I will most gladly: December 2013

Finding out we were pregnant with a second set of twins was overwhelming. I was already the mommy of three little children. Rourke was just three and Frannie and Lydia were still not two...three babies. I knew I would love them, but how could I care for two more?! Two twin pregnancies....I was certain I would end up on bed rest. What if these babies were premature? We were trying to find a house on a shoestring budget. There were just a few in our price range and they needed work. We were getting discouraging comments and concerns from people around us. We couldn't sell our townhouse because we were underwater, so we had a renter lined up, who fell through.

To the west of our house is a big open space. As we drove to this house for a second showing, babies growing my belly, my eyes wet with worry, I looked east across the open space and between me and our house were two. Two rainbows. God's promise to all of creation, we won't drown. I'm generally not very swayed by signs, but it did bring peace.

The house ended up being a perfect fit, I was never on bed rest, Zinnia and Esther just a little early, but fine, we found terrible renters. It all worked out. Our friends and community rallied around us, we made it.

When Esther was first diagnosed I remembered these rainbows and struggled. I wanted them to mean that everything was going to be white picket fences and good grades.

Esther's scans were perfect. There has been a mystery spot on her lungs since diagnosis, it never lit up with MIBG, it was just there, it's gone too. Perfectly clean scans.

Esther drank her CT contrast like a champ.

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When we pulled up to our house, Esther sleepily told me to look. There it was. A rainbow. It was faint, but still there. I didn't have a smart phone when I saw the rainbows in the field five years ago and this isn't the best picture, but you can see it....

I've been thinking about these rainbows since yesterday afternoon. Should I take signs more seriously? I am unwavering on the sovereignty of God, but signs? Perhaps my faith is weak right now, I don't want to be one of those crazy people wearing animal skins eating grasshoppers and honey. God sent a rainbow as a sign that he promised to never flood the earth again, but what about our lives?

It was just a year ago Esther was about to enter the hospital for her stem cell transplant that a dear woman, with her husband a few other friends prayed with me in the lobby at church for Esther's life. This woman shared with me a few months ago that later in the night God woke her, and she was burdened to pray for Esther. In the cold hours of the night, she was certain God said He had done it. He had answered our prayers in the lobby that day. I didn't know how to respond, I was scared to believe that God would say yes. Why is it easier to live in doubt and fear than in confidence and freedom? I don't to live life preparing, fearing the next blow anymore. Living life in fear of what might happen isn't going to make it hurt less anyway. I don't know the future. While this is not heaven and there will be pain in the future, Esther is cancer free! She is alive today and our family is together.

I am not ready to proclaim this rainbow as God's sign that Esther will never have to face cancer again, because she might. The only certainty is that if she does, God will carry us through. There's a song we sing at church, "Ready Now" by Desperation Band. Here's the lyrics and a video to listen to it...we don't do the wicky, wicky, woo part, but that'd be okay with me if we did.

You come like You promised You would

I want to surrender for good

I know that I need You

And I don't want to keep living life alone

So take my heart

and make it new

make it true

And make it like You

Take my hands

I lift them high

They're Yours not mine to do

Do what You will

I feel like a blind man in Your sight

I know that im wicked in Your eyes

So wash me and make me shine like the sun

I want to tell everyone

that You're the only one

So take my heart

And make it new

Make it true

And make it like You

Take my hands

I lift them high

They're Yours not mine to do

Do what You will

Im ready now

Do what *You* will

Im ready now

Do what You will

Im ready now

So take my heart

and make it new

make it true

And make it like You

Take my hands

I lift them high

They're Yours not mine to do

Do what You will

Im ready now

Do what You will

Im ready now

Do what You will

Im ready now

Do what You will

Im ready now

Esther's surgery went well yesterday, so that is a praise. Tomorrow is scan day. I am have been battling anxiety and am not sure if it's related to scans or the snow. I'm nervous to drive to Denver early in the morning on roads that could be icy. Probably a bit of both. Esther will have a CT scan, lab work, and a pulminary function test. Hopefully we will learn more about why her recent cold so quickly turned into bronchitis. I can't remember if I wrote that before, but she was treated for bronchitis after a chest x-ray last week showed some thickening in her lungs.

I want to ask for prayer for clean scans, for no cancer, and I do. At the same time, I don't want to ask anymore. Although the daily tasks related to cancer are finished, it is never far away. I want to ask for it to just be gone...all gone. There are things I am so, so thankful for. For the people we met, and the love we've been shown. For the nearness of God and the simplicity of choices for that day. I never want to forget the grace poured over us.

We've been working to live life, to choose faith, to just put one foot in front of the other. I may have said this before, but it's kind of like when you've been working really hard and then you sit down, sometimes it's so hard to get back up, to keep going. But you have to, so you pick yourself up and move forward. We can all remember a time when tragedy entered and everyone kept going when you just want everything to stop. Sort of like those strange dreams where you've forgetten to get dressed, but no one notices. You're there, freaking out because you're naked, but everyone just keeps walking. I'm striving to be paitient for rest and to look for the graces and mercies around in our daily lives. Here are a few...

Rourke chose St. Basil's cathedral, one of areas of study this year.

Lydia chose a Clara and her Nutcracker

Frannie's pick, royalty!

Zinnia's looks like a delicious Christmas cake ball

Esther wanted a blue candy cane

I love the creative practicality of boys. Rourke put all the trains and cars on a track of tinsel.

Coloring before surgery, with bunny's help!

Esther did amazing yesterday. She even let them start an IV. She hardly flinched. This was both relieving and disheartening that a 4 year has had to be so brave. She shouldn't be used to pokes, she should've fought and screamed. At the same time, her trusting, brave nature has carried her well and has been a grace over her life.

Our Christmas lights are especially pretty in the freshly fallen snow.

Tomato cages turned upside down make great trees!

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I will most gladly

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Friday, December 6, 2013

Rainbows

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Surgery, Snow, and Scans