Esther has had a lowish fever most of the day, but this evening it went up to 101.7 (we are supposed to call at 101). They asked us to take her in to PVH for initial intake and to check for apparent infections like pneumonia, something in her urine or something alarming in her blood. There is nothing clear from these initial scans, but her ANC (germ fighter strength) is only 30. Chemo patients are high risk for infection when her ANC is 500...so 30 means she really has no ability to fight any infection right now. UPDATE: 7:30am, we did our math wrong, her ANC was only 3. This morning it is 13.8. That's right direction, please pray it would rise quickly, showing that her body is making white blood cells so we can go home quickly.
This is the journey we're on and she's happy as a clam right now, thrilled for an ambulance ride. That's the thing about kids...she doesn't worry about tomorrow. She's secure. She knows her brother and sisters are at home and will have fun with Auntie Margarita tomorrow. She even picked out stickers for each of them. She's secure that she'll be safe in an ambulance and that mommy will be with her. She's secure in our love and knows that right now it's enough. She is peaceful.
I want to be secure. I want to just rest that my other kids will be fine tomorrow and have fun with Auntie Margarita. I left them all a note at home because they were in bed by the time I was able to sneak away, I have not forgotten them and never could. God will no, not, never forget me, or my children. I must lift up my chest and look for his stickers and scribbled notes.
As Esther was jumping around her bed, Psalm 4:8 came to mind, "In peace I will both lie down and sleep; for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety."
Right now I have a choice. I can lie down...I can settle myself, be grounded. Writing helps me settle, it helps me refocus, to trust, to remember. I can vent and cry and be angry. God knows my heart, He knows my thoughts, He knows my comings and my goings. He has purposed this hemline around my life and is my high priest who helps in every time of need and encourages me to approach His throne. These are not the circumstances I would choose. This is not what I want to happen and I am mad. But I can lie down, I can sleep. I can do this in peace, in all of this emotion. The Lord, alone, makes me dwell in safety. Pray we would lie down and sleep in peace, that I would rest secure and not worry about tomorrow, that I wouldn't miss the stickers and the notes from my Father in heaven who loves me.
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Praying you'll be wrapped in the sweet peace of Jesus tonight and for always. My son's ANC was 80 on Thursday which held back his chemo that day. It's on the rise and was 440 today so we may be able to start the next phase tomorrow. Thankfully it's summer and the sickies are pretty much at bay. Enjoy your ambulance ride!
ReplyDeleteJust wanting to send some hugs and encouragement. I can't help but think that Esther is so very blessed to have you as her mommy!
ReplyDeleteSending all our stickers of love to you and the kids at home via prayer. LOVE YOU GUYS.
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Thinking of you as we head west toward Denver after a fun family trip, and you are heading south towards Denver for a little different trip. Praying that the doctors will find the culprit of the fever and chase it away quickly.
ReplyDeleteAmy Henry
Praying that you would have God's peace and be able to rest in Him. Praying He would fill you with His sense of perspective. We pray that the docs could get a grip on her infection and that her body would fight!! Hugs from London, the Snellers
ReplyDeletePraying for you guys on this fragile, tough journey friend! I see your amazing faith that can move mountains - stay strong and rest in the arms of our mighty God! He is with you every moment! Praying for sweet Esther that she would be brave on this journey and that her fever would go away as well! Thanks for all the updates!
ReplyDeleteHi Sam. I've become a stalker of your blog - and I'm sure I'm not the only one. Been praying for you guys daily and will again today. I appreciate all of your honesty and raw faith in action, especially this blog. There's a big sheet of paper taped above my sink that says "Settle Down!" Around those words are lots of verses that remind me to THINK about what's true, not FEEL my way - exactly what you describe here. I like Eph 4:22-23. "You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds. Praying for Esther's health, for strength for your family, for the attitude of your mind to be pleasing to Christ, for you all to know you're covered in prayer, and thanking God that if there's one family I know that will bring God glory through all this, it's the Alvarados. Love you, sister.
ReplyDeleteMy heart goes out to Esther, you and your family. You are putting your faith in God into action. The rubber has hit the road. Know that through all of this our Lord and Savior will never leave you nor forsake you. He is right there with you. As you say whether you feel it or not. Keep your eyes upon Him. One of my most favorite verses is Isaiah 26:3, "You will keep him in perfect peace, Whose mind is stayed on You, Because he trusts in You." You are in my prayers continually!!
ReplyDeleteSam, my heart just aches for you. What a hard hard journey. I read James 1 this morning...."consider it all joy my brothers" and thought of hard situations in which it seems impossible to do just that...but we want God's best for us. I can't understand how this is in God's plan for you, or for our family to have lost little Liam, but I do know that He will sustain you and uplift you, and that we love you and want to do anything we can to love you. I hate that you are going through this. I pray that God will give you peace. At the end of Hebrews this morning I read this: "May the God of PEACE, who through the blood of the eternal covenant brought back from the dead our Lord Jesus, the great Shepherd of the sheep, equip you with everything good for doing HIS WILL, and may He work in us what is pleasing to Him, through Christ, to whom be glory forever and ever. Amen...Grace be with you!" I am praying for peace, Sam, for healing, and that you continue to bring God glory. You are bringing Him glory, friend! You are trusting Him with what I think is the hardest things in the world...your children and trials! Oh friend, we are praying for dear Esther. Please let us know what we can do for you!!! Can we come visit you sometime??? Praying for encouragement and those white blood cells! Love you--Liz, Joe and Micah
ReplyDeleteI don't think we really know each other, but when we lived in Fort Collins, my husband Dana and I worked in the SVCC nursery when Esther and Zinnia were small little sweet peas. I've been following your journey and have been praying regularly for Esther and your family. I had a co-worker in Fort Collins who had a young daughter go through this same process at Children's hospital and she is doing so well now! It will certainly be a long journey, but there is much to hope for in Christ and I'll be continuing to follow and pray from afar as often as possible. Thank you for your honesty, as it helps to know how and what to pray for! Every post makes me cry for one reason or another, but that is what drives me to my knees to seek Him on your behalf. Keep the posts coming, okay? May His "stickers" abound in the coming days and weeks. - Kathy
ReplyDeleteSending prayers for you all from California. Catherine Magallones told me about your family and I've been following your blog.
ReplyDeleteIsaiah 26:3 (ESV)
You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in You.
I'm so sorry. I'm praying this gets resolved quickly. Her being excited about an ambulance ride reminds me of my son when he had an allergic reaction. He was so excited about the fire truck coming to the house, he could barely see out of his swollen eyes, but oh boy a fire truck! Kids are so sweet that way.
ReplyDeleteOk, I HAD to laugh when you said that Esther was jumping around on her bed all excited! I mean... wow! Kids can be HILARIOUS sometimes exactly why you said: Their brains don't work like ours. We see, "aaaah! MEDICAL EMERGENCY!" They see, "Ride in a REALLY LOUD COOL VEHICLE!" The picture made me laugh too.
ReplyDeleteOn a more serious note, hey thanks for being straight up with how you can get angry at God and totally lay out all your emotions and stuff and still have God's peace. That's really refreshing. And I know I say this in ALL my posts, but Mom and I are praying for all of you! Here's to a good week at Children's!
Sam, I dearly treasure you and your posts tremendously! God IS using this to His Glory. Your journey thus far has reached so many to truly see who God is and how we should trust in him. I can not express to you how much your vulnerability about what is going and your love for God has changed my life and so many others. We pray for your family and Esther many times every day. WE lOVE YOU ALL so much and pray for God’s peace and healing! ~ Amie Schissler and Family
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