The Weight of Reality

The last couple days with Esther have been busy.  She is receiving around the clock anti-nausea meds to attempt to prevent the severe vomiting cisplatin can cause.  We've had wonderful nurses who have been coming in every couple of hours to administer a med through her IV to try to stay on top of the nausea.

Esther's favorite name is "Carla."  She has several dolls named "Carla" and even bestowed the name upon her chicken.  For the last two days, and once a few weeks ago, Esther's nurse has been Carla.  She's a sweet Brazilian woman who has really been on top of Esther's care.  She's given me a ton of tips to helping Esther cope.  She even convinced Esther to take a bath today, and she loved it.  Tonight she stayed a little after her shift to give Esther some meds just to keep her on schedule because Esther's night nurse was busy with a very sad little baby.

The 24 hour anti-nausea regimen has worked pretty well with only a few throw ups.  Tonight has been harder, she's been sick about once an hour.  They say the most severe nausea hits about 3 days after the chemo is given.  Today was the third day. 

Tuesday night I had just laid down to sleep and Esther began to throw up.  She was okay, but still laying on her back and choking a bit.  A wave of reality hit me as I jumped out of bed to help her sit up.  I think it's the first time I've felt really angry about all of this.  My sweet daughter was choking on vomit and having a hard time sitting up because she's taking two anti-nausea meds that cause drowsiness.  I found myself hating this reality.

Wednesday, Thomas, Emily, Theo, and Thomas' cousin, Tim, stopped by to say hi.  Emily snapped a precious photo of Thomas and Esther together.  She posted it on their blog and I just cried at the image of these two children, smiling.  Walking this road, daily. Their lives have been intertwined not by home school alone, but by cancer, it feels so unfair.  But as I read on a blog of a mother of twins in NY, "No, it's not fair.  Would it be more fair for some other girl to be faced with this situation?" 

In His kindness, God reminded me that many things are unfair.  His own son's journey was not fair.  Jesus' sacrifice was the most unjust.  He has scattered soft moss and fragrant blossoms along our journeys.  That He's given us friends who love Him and can encourage and remind us where to hope as we are right along the same path.  Aly's treatment is finished.  She has a ton of follow up tests/scans, but she is finished and in just a few days a family will be reunited after 6 months.  Praise Him!  He's given us family and friends who hold up our tired arms when our strength is not enough.  We are so needy.

As I was talking with Carla, trying to communicate my gratitude for her care for Esther, she mentioned how she appreciates when families ask questions and are involved because when they don't communicate or jump in with Esther's care she worries they don't understand the danger in which their child is living.  That cancer will kill them.  Treatment is nearly as grave.  Many, many families on this journey do not have someone to walk with or people to hold them up in utter weakness.  We are thankful.

The weight is heavy. Treatment is not a guarantee of recovery and is an awful journey.  A song that has blessed me the last few weeks is 10,000 Reasons (Bless the Lord) by Matt Redmond.  A reminder that there are 10,000 reasons (and more) for my heart to discover God's goodness.

Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me
Let me be singing when the evening comes

Bless the Lord, O my soul
O my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name