To the west of our house is a big open space. As we drove to this house for a second showing, babies growing my belly, my eyes wet with worry, I looked east across the open space and between me and our house were two. Two rainbows. God's promise to all of creation, we won't drown. I'm generally not very swayed by signs, but it did bring peace.
The house ended up being a perfect fit, I was never on bed rest, Zinnia and Esther just a little early, but fine, we found terrible renters. It all worked out. Our friends and community rallied around us, we made it.
When Esther was first diagnosed I remembered these rainbows and struggled. I wanted them to mean that everything was going to be white picket fences and good grades.
Esther's scans were perfect. There has been a mystery spot on her lungs since diagnosis, it never lit up with MIBG, it was just there, it's gone too. Perfectly clean scans.
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| Esther drank her CT contrast like a champ. |
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When we pulled up to our house, Esther sleepily told me to look. There it was. A rainbow. It was faint, but still there. I didn't have a smart phone when I saw the rainbows in the field five years ago and this isn't the best picture, but you can see it....
I've been thinking about these rainbows since yesterday afternoon. Should I take signs more seriously? I am unwavering on the sovereignty of God, but signs? Perhaps my faith is weak right now, I don't want to be one of those crazy people wearing animal skins eating grasshoppers and honey. God sent a rainbow as a sign that he promised to never flood the earth again, but what about our lives?
It was just a year ago Esther was about to enter the hospital for her stem cell transplant that a dear woman, with her husband a few other friends prayed with me in the lobby at church for Esther's life. This woman shared with me a few months ago that later in the night God woke her, and she was burdened to pray for Esther. In the cold hours of the night, she was certain God said He had done it. He had answered our prayers in the lobby that day. I didn't know how to respond, I was scared to believe that God would say yes. Why is it easier to live in doubt and fear than in confidence and freedom? I don't to live life preparing, fearing the next blow anymore. Living life in fear of what might happen isn't going to make it hurt less anyway. I don't know the future. While this is not heaven and there will be pain in the future, Esther is cancer free! She is alive today and our family is together.
I am not ready to proclaim this rainbow as God's sign that Esther will never have to face cancer again, because she might. The only certainty is that if she does, God will carry us through. There's a song we sing at church, "Ready Now" by Desperation Band. Here's the lyrics and a video to listen to it...we don't do the wicky, wicky, woo part, but that'd be okay with me if we did.
You come like You promised You would
I want to surrender for good
I know that I need You
And I don't want to keep living life alone
So take my heart
and make it new
make it true
And make it like You
Take my hands
I lift them high
They're Yours not mine to do
Do what You will
Do what You will
Do what You will
I feel like a blind man in Your sight
I know that im wicked in Your eyes
So wash me and make me shine like the sun
I want to tell everyone
that You're the only one
So take my heart
And make it new
Make it true
And make it like You
Take my hands
I lift them high
They're Yours not mine to do
Do what You will
Do what You will
Do what You will
Im ready now
Im ready now
Im ready now
Do what *You* will
Im ready now
Im ready now
Im ready now
Im ready now
Im ready now
Im ready now
Do what You will
Im ready now
Im ready now
Im ready now
So take my heart
and make it new
make it true
And make it like You
Take my hands
I lift them high
They're Yours not mine to do
Do what You will
Do what You will
Do what You will
Im ready now
Im ready now
Im ready now
Do what You will
Im ready now
Im ready now
Im ready now
Do what You will
Im ready now
Im ready now
Im ready now
Do what You will
Im ready now
Im ready now
Im ready now
Your post brings me to tears. Oh rainbows, I have a new found love for them. It's not that I didn't like them before, I just really didn't give them much extra thought besides the fact that they are beautiful to look at and God promised never to flood the earth again.
ReplyDeleteIt all changed when Andy was in the hosptial at the beginning, day 2 of his chemo to be exact. I got a text and at the time I didn't know who it was from. It just said something like - look west at the rainbow. It was super early in the morning and I thought, well that was random. The next thing I knew, hubby was coming back into the hospital room with his morning coffee and said, you have got to come see this rainbow. It was the most huge fullest rainbow I've ever seen and it was on the west end of the hospital. It brought me to tears because I knew it was for us. I knew it was God telling us to find comfort in him and that no matter what, it was all going to be okay. Just trust. Makes me cry thinking about that day. Then about six months later, Andy's treatment was delayed for week after week. His doctor was getting concerned and they were scheduling a bone marrow biopsy because his counts weren't coming up. I tried to be brave thinking he was just taking his own sweet time, but I was terrified that they were going to find he'd relapsed when they did the biopsy. The day the biospy was scheduled we waited with such tension for his results to come back with his ANC. While he wasn't high enough to continue with his therapy at that time, his doctor felt comfortable delaying the biopsy for a few more days because his counts were finally recovering. While we were consulting with him, he asked Andy if he could spot the rainbow in the room. We all looked around and found a small rainbow on the floor at our feet. I wanted to burst into tears. Since then, I have often noticed rainbows and truly claim them that God knows my pain and burdens and truly cares about me. They are God's promise and his promises never fail. They might not be the answer we want or hope for, but he still promises to carry us through, even if it's the valley of the shadow of death.
I'm so overjoyed that Esther's scan showed everything is perfect. I'm glad the other mystery spot is also gone. We continue to pray for her to stay cancer free. Trust in those rainbows and claim them for you and your family.
P.S. Andy often walks around the house singing part of the Rainbow Connection song ad it always makes me teary eyed when he sings about rainbows. Makes me teary typing it too. Our children are so precious and we just want what's best for them. Guess that must be how God feels too.
Esther's smile, God's rainbows, your heart of thanksgiving bring Him great praise! Rainbows or not, His promises are trustworthy! Praising God with you for Esther.
ReplyDelete:) Lam