Friday, January 11, 2008
"East To West "
(see below for full song lyrics)
Here I am Lord and I’m drowning, in Your sea of forgetfulness
The chains of yesterday surround me, I yearn for peace and rest
I don’t want to end up where You found me
And it echoes in my mind
Keeps me awake tonight
I know you’ve cast my sin as far as the East is from the West
And I stand before You now as though I’ve never sinned
But today I feel like I’m just one mistake away
From You leaving me this way
Tonight I totally blew it. I yelled, slammed the microwave door & forcefully stomped on an apple jack. I felt so terrible. The kids weren't even doing anything bad...just being little children. I confessed my sin to them, asked for their forgiveness and we finished dinner & I got them ready for bed.
I have been loosing patience with them today and coming to the end of myself. A good thing, I suppose, to rely on the help of my Heavenly Father...if I let Him help. I snapped at Rourke a couple of times and was just hard on him.
Jesus can you show me just how far the east is from the west
‘Cause I can’t bear to see the man I’ve been
Rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
‘Cause You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other
Tonight when I put Rourke to bed, I prayed for him as we do each night. We always ask him if he wants to pray, it usually goes something like this, " Dear God, thank you for this day and Grandpa and Grandma and Grandma Sherry and Frannie and Lydia and Daddy and Mommy and Connor and Laney (insert aunts, uncles, and friends). It is really sweet to hear him thanking God for those he loves. It is always in the same order. Tonight, though, it was different.
Tonight, he said, "Dear God, thank you for this day and mommy."
I said, "And..."
He said, "And you," pointing right at me with a big grin on his face.
I asked him, "Who else, buddy?"
He said, "Mommy, and...."
I replied, "And...?"
And he continued down his list. What a tender example to me of the distance of the east from the west. I was not patient, kind, loving, gentle, or understanding with Rourke today. Yet at the end of the day, he was purposeful (as much as a 3 year old can be) in thanking God for me. Such a gift that I definitely didn't deserve or earn from today's mothering installment.
This week has had other moments like this. I have been emotional and edgy the last few days. (I have been on my own the last 5 1/2 days because Anthony is out of town)
Three times, Frannie has come up to me, with her sweet little voice and said, "I love you, Mommy. Hug?" She really is the best hugger! She is like a koala...she holds on so tight and snuggles in close. Last Friday I was on the floor changing Lydia's diaper, Frannie came up from behind me, put her arms around my shoulders and told me she loved me. (She has a pretty good vocabulary and it is so cute to hear her talk...her voice is so tiny and sweet, and she says these big sentences. A couple of days ago Lydia smashed her finger in a bi-fold closet door. Frannie said, "It's okay Lydia, you alright." That's a 5 word sentence from a 19 month old!!!"
Lydia isn't too cuddly, but she let me hold her for almost 20 minutes yesterday. It was a joy to my heart!
What a gift & joy to be the mother of such sweet children. Children who I think teach me as much or more as I teach them.
I clearly understand that I am not a perfect mother, I do lose it sometimes. I am always learning and know it's okay to make mistakes (that's why you can't remember such young years, right?!). I am so thankful that God has allowed my children this week to encourage my heart, giving me an example of how far the East is from the West. Praise & Glory to God!