Thursday, August 28, 2008

The last night, scattered emotions and thoughts

So much has happened over the last 3 months. The news of another set of twins, we took a vacation to my family's mountain cabin, the emotional ups and down of deciding to move or not, a rental agreement...fallen through, a real estate deal...closed, and now it is all slowing down. Tonight is the last night the kids will sleep at our townhouse and tomorrow will be ours.

God has over and over proven Himself faithful. We have been showered with support and help from our family and friends. Here is a portion of an email I wrote a while back describing sweet timing and reassurance from the Lord. I was feeling quite fearful of all that was happening in our lives and wondering if I would fail. I don't write to say that this is true, but when we are all being completely honest, we all have moments like these.
"I am encouraged. God has really been working on my trust of His provision for our lives, has been renewing my prayer life for my husband, and has been encouraging me as a mom.

I was really desperate for some reassurance that I/we are not going to fail at parenting all of these little ones and also some clarity from God living situation. God has been revealing little bits over the last few weeks bring a much clearer picture!

We are feeling like God may be closing the door to having someone live with us to help with the kids. God has been continually reminding me of what a wise woman shared with me about when Jesus fed the 5000, that He says to bring our loaves and fish and he will multiply them. That He says that we should do it and He will help. There has really been no interest or leads in a woman to live with us and I was feeling like I would just be all alone (I huge lie, I know!). Another woman shared with me a verse from Hebrews… “Keep your life free from the love of money and be content with what you have for the Lord your God has said, ‘I will never leave you nor forsake you.’” She described to me that the never and nor are triple negatives, so God says, I will no, not never leave or forsake you! I can be quite thick so sometimes I need to hear it three times!

As I was praying over this verse the next day and just telling God that if He doesn’t provide someone to live with us to help me that it will be okay because He’ll be there. While I was praying I got a phone call that I let go to voice mail. When I checked the message it was from a gal at Summitview who had organized her whole team and a few other women to make me 2 weeks of frozen meals. She was just checking to be sure we had freezer space and no allergy issues. That was such a kind timing from God!

I have also been realizing that many of my motivations for having someone live with us revolve around clamoring for “me time” and my interests. I have recognized selfishness in the motivation, not a genuine desire for someone to help me shepherd my children. Really someone to just let me get out, go to the grocery store, run errands, be by myself. This is not a right or need and I was really feeling like I deserved these things and absolutely needed them. (Not that these things are bad, my motivations were just not right)

This weekend I got an extended quiet time and was encouraged by the following verse:

1 Chronicles 28:20:

David also said to Solomon his son, "Be strong and courageous, and do the work. Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the LORD God, my God, is with you. He will not fail you or forsake you until all the work for the service of the temple of the LORD is finished."

Another thing that played into this is that if would could find a house where Anthony could have office space, he can telecommute next year for up to 20 hours a week. That is HUGE!!!! If someone was in my home, my husband is the absolute best option. What a blessing to have him there for me and the kids. "

God says to remember and tell of His glorious deeds. All of this to me was so glorious. I have to share this intimate encounter with my Lord. It is so good to recount all that God has done, it helps me tremendously to just rest and not fear.

So, tonight is the last night. It is such a bittersweet occasion...moving. We really love this house and are sad to move. This is really the only home the children have known. Rourke was only 6 months old when we moved here. Lydia and Francesca were tiny when we brought them home.

I will miss our neighbors, my little garden, evenings on the patio under the twinkling umbrella. Walks to the park, seeing the Robinsons just across the green space and the Youngs around the corner, the quiet nearness to the foothills, my huge kitchen counter. I never thought I would be so attached to a space, but I am attached to this little house and all that has happened here. I have had many moments of joy, thankfulness, frustration, fear, laughter, love, and growth. It is a treasured time.

However, our new home will bring many more memories. God has really blessed us with an amazing house to develop our family and to shepherd our children toward His truths and glory. We are thankful. This home meets our physical needs for a long time with 4 (5 really) bedrooms, a huge finished basement, a large yard, a deck, a patio covered with a pergola, incredible views of God's creation, and newly remodeled bathrooms and kitchen. It even has a garage (wow)! We will live literally down the street and around the corner from my sister, brother-in-law, and nieces. There is even a family from our church who live 2 houses down. We have been abundantly blessed with such a wonderful house to make our home. We are excited to welcome our two new children to this home.

I feel so grown up. I mean, really grown up. One of those moments when you realize that you are an adult, it hasn't all been a dream, you won't go back to mom and dad's this weekend. It's such a strange feeling. I have 3 children, a grown up house, and 2 more kiddos on the way! There is no turning back. I am sure with each passing year I will be amazing with the lightning speed of it all, did this happen, where did all the time go, why wasn't more thankful?

I want to be thankful. I want to remember all the things that the Lord has done and give Him the praise and honor for it all. God has been gracious to me. I am incredibly blessed to know Jesus Christ as my Savior, Redeemer, Friend, and Eternal Father. My husband loves me and is thoughful of my needs and desires. He is my best friend, he is a trustworthy, honorable man who takes great care of me and my children. He is such an amazing dad! He loves his children. They adore him. I have the pleasure of being a mom to Rourke, Lydia & Francesca. I can't wait to meet the two inside my belly. They are but little tickles now, but soon I will know their names and see them grow. By the way, we are not finding out the genders. Surprises come few and far between, this is a great way to enjoy a surpise!

I am truly amazed by the support, help, and love shown by our family and friends. People have given generously of time and finances to display their care for our family. With many meals, free childcare, items for our house, help moving, prayers, timely questions of just how are we doing and loving understanding to allow me to be honest with my emotions or feelings of the day followed by gentle reminders of the truth I am not seeing. My dad did a wonderful job with a remodel project at the new house opening up a wall between the kitchen and living room so I can see the kids.

Wow! To have such a God and such faithful, loving people around us is humbling. I am so thankful.