Esther has had a lowish fever most of the day, but this evening it went up to 101.7 (we are supposed to call at 101). They asked us to take her in to PVH for initial intake and to check for apparent infections like pneumonia, something in her urine or something alarming in her blood. There is nothing clear from these initial scans, but her ANC (germ fighter strength) is only 30. Chemo patients are high risk for infection when her ANC is 500...so 30 means she really has no ability to fight any infection right now. UPDATE: 7:30am, we did our math wrong, her ANC was only 3. This morning it is 13.8. That's right direction, please pray it would rise quickly, showing that her body is making white blood cells so we can go home quickly.
This is the journey we're on and she's happy as a clam right now, thrilled for an ambulance ride. That's the thing about kids...she doesn't worry about tomorrow. She's secure. She knows her brother and sisters are at home and will have fun with Auntie Margarita tomorrow. She even picked out stickers for each of them. She's secure that she'll be safe in an ambulance and that mommy will be with her. She's secure in our love and knows that right now it's enough. She is peaceful.
I want to be secure. I want to just rest that my other kids will be fine tomorrow and have fun with Auntie Margarita. I left them all a note at home because they were in bed by the time I was able to sneak away, I have not forgotten them and never could. God will no, not, never forget me, or my children. I must lift up my chest and look for his stickers and scribbled notes.
As Esther was jumping around her bed, Psalm 4:8 came to mind, "In peace I will both lie down and sleep; for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety."
Right now I have a choice. I can lie down...I can settle myself, be grounded. Writing helps me settle, it helps me refocus, to trust, to remember. I can vent and cry and be angry. God knows my heart, He knows my thoughts, He knows my comings and my goings. He has purposed this hemline around my life and is my high priest who helps in every time of need and encourages me to approach His throne. These are not the circumstances I would choose. This is not what I want to happen and I am mad. But I can lie down, I can sleep. I can do this in peace, in all of this emotion. The Lord, alone, makes me dwell in safety. Pray we would lie down and sleep in peace, that I would rest secure and not worry about tomorrow, that I wouldn't miss the stickers and the notes from my Father in heaven who loves me.