Needless to say, this has been discouraging.
As a mom of 5 little ones I've often felt like the walls are closing in and the first part of Psalm 139 has been an ecouragement.
O Lord, you have searched me and known me!
2 You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
you discern my thoughts from afar.
3 You search out my path and my lying down
and are acquainted with all my ways.
4 Even before a word is on my tongue,
behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.
5 You hem me in, behind and before,
and lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
it is high; I cannot attain it.
He knows. He has searched us. He knows my heart, He knows my kids, He has searched and knows Esther's body.
He sees that most of the day I am not sitting but am giving my day taking care of the kids, the house, the meals. He SEES this and KNOWS it. My labors do not go unnoticed by God.
Often I've felt in a fog, like I can't really understand my own emotions in the weariness of life. But God discerns my thoughts from afar...He knows what is truth, He knows what is a lie, He knows what is fear, pain, joy, thankfulness, anger.
He searches out MY path. Each of us have a different path and stiving to walk on someone else's path is not going to bring any fruit. We each have different paths and I've often looked to someone else's sidewalk and thought my feet would like to journey upon it. But God has searched out MY path, He knows what's at the end, He has gone ahead of me and sees the shaded beauty ahead of the desert thistles.
God knows my words before I do. He knows my thoughts, my fears, my anger, my dispair. He knows it before it hits my tongue. I can be R.E.A.L. with God and it's okay. He knows anyway. He says, come, little one, let's reason together, approach my throne with confidence. You are in a time of need and I have grace for you.
Often that grace is not found in what I think I need, but in a hemline, carefully stitched. He lays his hand upon me. God is tender, He lays His holy hand upon me. There are a few lines in The Mud Song (did you listen to it yet?) that speak of his touch.isn't it just like you to invite me into a warm house
isn't it just like you to stroke my hair as I fall asleep
Father you made me yours
Found my orphan heart and brought it home
and I'm safe here and I sing
isn't it just like you to make a slave into your daughter
isn't it just like you to make wine out of dirty water
I used to live in chains
my wounds bled to the ground
my bed was out in the rain
my hair in knots and soaked in mud
but you took my hand
and you led me in
and you combed my hair
you kissed my skin
and you gave me food
and you made me yours
you made me yours
you made me yours
creditsfrom Reckless, released 15 August 2010
CCLI song # 5588794
Laura Elizabeth Thornton & Tim F Thornton (Bricklayer Music Publishing, ASCAP)
Psalm 139 goes on.
7 Where shall I go from your Spirit?
Or where shall I flee from your presence?
8 If I ascend to heaven, you are there!
If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!
9 If I take the wings of the morning
and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
10 even there your hand shall lead me,
and your right hand shall hold me.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me,
and the light about me be night,”
12 even the darkness is not dark to you;
the night is bright as the day,
for darkness is as light with you.
I can not flee from God, He is always there. He will be with me in the heavens, in the dark depths of Sheol, early in the morning, or in the uttermost parts of the heavy sea. In the joys, bumps, and dark places of our daily lives He will lead us, His right hand will hold us.
And this is not just on a cancer journey, this is on all of our journeys. He is there when your husband travels, when the baby just won't stop dropping the food or the kids spilled the milk again. He is there when your co-worker does't follow through and you get blamed and in the sting of harsh words from your teenager. He is there in the sunrise, when He's showing off, whispering "look at that purple." He is there when a job is lost or a night is not spent in slumber. When health fails and babies take their first step. He is there in all of it, in all of our lives.
We can not flee from this God, our ugliest, crimson stained sins do not even separate us from this God because He paid the price to make them white as wool, sparkling in the moonlight freshly fallen snow. Jesus came and died, an innocent man, because He loves me. He loves you.