Thursday, July 12, 2012

Low Counts

It looks like we'll be here for several more days. Yesterday Esther's ANC was 9.6, and this morning it was just 1.8. I think tonight Anthony and the kids will come down for a visit and then I will head back home to Ft. Collins.

Needless to say, this has been discouraging.

As a mom of 5 little ones I've often felt like the walls are closing in and the first part of Psalm 139 has been an ecouragement.

O Lord, you have searched me and known me!

2 You know when I sit down and when I rise up;

you discern my thoughts from afar.

3 You search out my path and my lying down

and are acquainted with all my ways.

4 Even before a word is on my tongue,

behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.

5 You hem me in, behind and before,

and lay your hand upon me.

6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;

it is high; I cannot attain it.


He knows. He has searched us. He knows my heart, He knows my kids, He has searched and knows Esther's body.

He sees that most of the day I am not sitting but am giving my day taking care of the kids, the house, the meals. He SEES this and KNOWS it. My labors do not go unnoticed by God.

Often I've felt in a fog, like I can't really understand my own emotions in the weariness of life. But God discerns my thoughts from afar...He knows what is truth, He knows what is a lie, He knows what is fear, pain, joy, thankfulness, anger.

He searches out MY path. Each of us have a different path and stiving to walk on someone else's path is not going to bring any fruit. We each have different paths and I've often looked to someone else's sidewalk and thought my feet would like to journey upon it. But God has searched out MY path, He knows what's at the end, He has gone ahead of me and sees the shaded beauty ahead of the desert thistles.

God knows my words before I do. He knows my thoughts, my fears, my anger, my dispair. He knows it before it hits my tongue. I can be R.E.A.L. with God and it's okay. He knows anyway. He says, come, little one, let's reason together, approach my throne with confidence. You are in a time of need and I have grace for you.

Often that grace is not found in what I think I need, but in a hemline, carefully stitched. He lays his hand upon me. God is tender, He lays His holy hand upon me. There are a few lines in The Mud Song (did you listen to it yet?) that speak of his touch.

isn't it just like you to invite me into a warm house
isn't it just like you to stroke my hair as I fall asleep

Father you made me yours
Found my orphan heart and brought it home
and I'm safe here and I sing

isn't it just like you to make a slave into your daughter
isn't it just like you to make wine out of dirty water

I used to live in chains
my wounds bled to the ground
my bed was out in the rain
my hair in knots and soaked in mud

but you took my hand
and you led me in
and you combed my hair
you kissed my skin
and you gave me food
and you made me yours
you made me yours
you made me yours


from Reckless, released 15 August 2010
CCLI song # 5588794
Laura Elizabeth Thornton & Tim F Thornton (Bricklayer Music Publishing, ASCAP)

Psalm 139 goes on.

7 Where shall I go from your Spirit?

Or where shall I flee from your presence?

8 If I ascend to heaven, you are there!

If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!

9 If I take the wings of the morning

and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,

10 even there your hand shall lead me,

and your right hand shall hold me.

11 If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me,

and the light about me be night,”

12 even the darkness is not dark to you;

the night is bright as the day,

for darkness is as light with you.

I can not flee from God, He is always there. He will be with me in the heavens, in the dark depths of Sheol, early in the morning, or in the uttermost parts of the heavy sea. In the joys, bumps, and dark places of our daily lives He will lead us, His right hand will hold us.

And this is not just on a cancer journey, this is on all of our journeys. He is there when your husband travels, when the baby just won't stop dropping the food or the kids spilled the milk again. He is there when your co-worker does't follow through and you get blamed and in the sting of harsh words from your teenager. He is there in the sunrise, when He's showing off, whispering "look at that purple." He is there when a job is lost or a night is not spent in slumber. When health fails and babies take their first step. He is there in all of it, in all of our lives.

We can not flee from this God, our ugliest, crimson stained sins do not even separate us from this God because He paid the price to make them white as wool, sparkling in the moonlight freshly fallen snow. Jesus came and died, an innocent man, because He loves me. He loves you.


  1. Sweet sister, friend, mom and wife, Sam...I am abundantly encouraged by your faith and the inner strength I see God giving you in baskets of might be daily and it might not be anything exciting tasting, but it's sustaining and it's a miracle! Words can't express how much my heart is full of love for you and is heavy for you and your sweet family. Praying for you and wrapping you in a virtual hug!
    I'll let you know how much we make this weekend from the boys' toy sale! They really wanted to do that, and we were thinking gas $ might be what we donate it for? Let me know if there is a greater need elsewhere.
    grace for today,

    1. That would be wonderful. I am so blessed by the toy sale. Seriously, so sweet.

  2. Such good GOOD thoughts, Sam! I hear your desperation in your post and how you are laying it all out before God. He IS there! And I am so thankful you are resting in Him. I read Psalm 25 to Micah at lunch time and thought of you:

    25:1 "To you, O Lord, I lift up my soul; in you I trust, O my God. Do not let me be put to shame, nor let my enemies triumph over me. No one whose hope is in you will ever be put to shame, but they will be put to shame who are treacherous without excuse. 4 Show me your ways, O Lord, teach me your paths; guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long.

    Remember, O Lord, your great mercy and love, for they are from of old. Remember not the sins of my youth and my rebellious ways; according to your love remember me, for you are good, O Lord.

    15 My eyes are ever on the Lord, for only He will release me from my snare. Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted. The troubles of my heart have multiplied; free me from my anguish. Look upon my affliction and my distress and take away all my sins. See how my enemies have increased and how fiercely they hate me! Guard my life and rescue me; let me not be put to shame for I take refuge in you.

    21 May integrity and uprightness protect me, because MY HOPE IS IN YOU. Redeem Israel, O God, from all their troubles!"

    and also Proverbs 14 :26 He who fears the Lord has a secure fortress, and for his children it will be a refuge.

    Love you Sam and am thinking of you and praying boldly for you and Esther and the rest of your family!
    Love, Liz and Joe and Micah

  3. Love, love that song. And to know its truth is a gift even in the midst of utter blackness. Praying for those counts, for your stamina, for your encouragement.

  4. Praying for Esther that her counts go up! Mom says you're a really good - ahem - amazing writer BTW! She says you should write a book about your experience with Esther. But like you said, we'll see if it's in your path. I was VERY ENCOURAGED because this basically shared the Gospel with my mom!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  5. We are keeping you in our prayers and think of you often. I am so thankful for your faith in the Lord. It is encouraging to hear your inspiring words even in the midst of trial.
    Michelle Wade

  6. Exploding heart! With love for you sis, and for our Jesus.