Thursday, August 23, 2012


Esther's blood work came back pretty amazing today.  Her ANC was over 25,000.  What a huge relief! 

It makes sense...she had a lot of extra stem cells in her body and their job is to turn into red & white blood cells and platelets.  They did their job.  This is definitely the round to get a cold.  At the same time I worry...did this round of chemo do anything to her tumor?  Where will this cold hide in my house?  When is it safe to just go on a cleaning spree? 

Tonight Rourke said he wants to be an inventor.  He's going to invent a vitamin everyone takes that will not allow tumors to grow and just makes you lose 1/8 inch of hair.  Then he'll invent race cars and rocket ships.  Maybe he'll change his name to Stark something or other :). 

We are all hanging in there.  Zinnia is totally milking her scruffy voice asking for medicine.  I feel like God is working out a lesson for me, revealing Himself anew.  There is a strange oscillation between sorrow & grief and hope & peace.  In church last Sunday we sang a new song.  A line in it said "your will, your way."  I wrote to a friend who found out this week two of her three children have a frightening heart condition that has caused her heath scares and took her mom's life...
We sang a song in church this week...something about "Your will, Your way." I was struck with how superficial that has been most of my walk. That it has always been outward, doing, not and inward surrender to circumstances completely of His control and completely out of mine. That I've striven to conform my life to God's ways and standards, all very good things, but that it has always been a bit of my own doing, my striving. In circumstances where my striving is in vain, "Your will, Your way" takes on a whole new meaning.
Following Christ is not a laid out plan with all of the rules & regs laid out.  It's surrender to One who is greater, whose kind wisdom is the way.  Whose way is love.  This is both daily in our choices and much farther reaching within out hearts.  Only in that surrender is there peace.  I've learned again and again that I am not good at that heart surrender, God has continually put me in circumstances that bring surrender.  I can either surrender and fall into His grace, His arms.  I can surrender to bitterness, anger, entitlement, pride.  I'd much rather fall in to His arms.  He is there to catch me despite my kicking, screaming, muddy hair and tattered clothes, His embrace is loving regardless of me. Thank you, Jesus.  God has been kind to continually show me that as much as I think my heart has drifted, He'll never let me go.  His arms are steady, waiting.  He is kind.  He is kind.  Would my heart be eager to rest in His will, in His way?  

Esther's ANC is amazing this week.  I have a timid hope we'll escape this round of chemo with no inpatient time.  That is completely of His control. Although, the remaining neupagen, the medicine that causes her body to create stem cells, in my fridge is tempting...


  1. I love your heart, Sam. So real, and honest. That you are willing to be transparent in this time is such a blessing to the ones around you, and it helps us to pray! So thankful her ANC is up, and you are all at home together!
    Love, Liz, Joe and Micah

  2. Yay! :) I'm glad that Esther's count is doing well and you are having good time with your family.

  3. tempting to take medicine that makes your counts go up. heck yes! those things expire and the cost a lot. If counts are at risk for being down and colds are brewing around extra boosts are always good. Sometimes the doc's are ok with that, just make sure to mention when you give it. I'm glad she's gotten to be home lots. I'm praying her nausea goes away soon so she can catch up before next round.
    Loves - Jodi & Alyza