Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Time to Get Irradiated?

Cancer treatment is nuts. Let’s inject chemicals into your body that destroy your immune and blood system. Let’s go a step further and inject so much chemicals that your marrow wouldn’t even recover without being given your own stem cells. But wait, that’s not enough. Now, let’s purposely shoot high powered x-rays at the area of the tumor (even if it’s not there) just to be sure. It’s insane when you think about it.

Esther with her gift of stickers from her friend Boden

We got to the radiation clinic early for the first day of radiation treatment and I was just thinking about the other patients and family waiting (especially the young kid in the lobby we sat far away from that had an obvious cold!). None of them got good news. They were probably all living in their worst nightmare. Esther was great and, of course, had no fear. Rourke and I worked on his math and then Esther was all done.

We then headed over to the oncology clinic at Children’s Hospital across the street from the radiation clinic at University of Colorado Hospital. The usual 7th flood. Again, as we walked up, encouraged by the ease of the morning and how good Rourke was doing with his math, I thought about all of the folks in the lobby. The Chinese family (I could tell they were speaking Mandarin!) in the BMT waiting room. All of the folks in the completely full exam rooms. Our friends from Brent’s Place that we saw there. Our friends with their son, Boden, who is fighting a brain tumor (and who sweetly wanted to give Esther the stickers she has in the picture above). All of these friends and strangers got bad news. All of them got a big stomach punch and are now living this out. I was thinking about all of them.

Then he said to me, “This is the word of the LORD to Zerubbabel: Not by might, nor by power, but by my Spirit, says the LORD of hosts. 7†Who are you, O great mountain? Before Zerubbabel you shall become a plain. And he shall bring forward the top stone amid shouts of ‘Grace, grace to it!’” (Zechariah 4:6-7)

Our appointment went well. No transfusions were needed. But even when things are going well, the grind still continues. Over the past 40 days or so, I can count the nights I’ve spent with my wife on one hand. My older girls miss me. Esther wishes her sister were here all the time. We haven’t been to church in over 2 months. It’s been hard to get back in any swing of things at work. And it’ll still be this way for another month. Temporary but it doesn’t feel that way. I say all this just to be honest.

And also to be honest, I have struggled pursuing Jesus. My habits have waned and it’s even harder in the morning when in single parent mode. And I have neglected my intimacy with him. But Jesus is always waiting. Even in the minor prophets the past few days.

For whoever has despised the day of small things shall rejoice, and shall see the plumb line in the hand of Zerubbabel. (Zechariah 4:10)

This verse (and the verses further above) pricked me when I saw it tonight. Do I despise the little things, the day of small things? Do I count Jesus more satisfying than the little things of this world? Or do I seek my satisfaction still in my own comfort, my own agenda, my own control? A good gut check. Do I use my weariness as an excuse to not pursue time with Jesus? Do I seek my relief in distraction? This is how this verse speaks to me, especially after a close friend asked me (via text, hehe) how my relationship with Jesus has been and just how I’ve been honestly doing. Can I trust Jesus when I wake up tomorrow to despise the day of small things? Can I wait on him? Can I trust him to be my joy?

One day at a time. “Not by might, nor by power, but by my Spirit,”

    On that day the LORD their God will save them,
        as the flock of his people;
    for like the jewels of a crown
        they shall shine on his land.
    For how great is his goodness, and how great his beauty!
        Grain shall make the young men flourish,
        and new wine the young women. (Zechariah 9:16-17 ESV)

Thank you for your prayers and support! Pray for next 4 weeks of this nastiness to have no side effects but to be effective in helping make sure Esther’s cancer never returns.


  1. Prayers continually for you all..Pleading the blood of Jesus over your family and all the children there..keep repeating Isaiah 53:5 "by his stripes"...I can only imagine your heavy hearts for your child..Knowing you would lay down and take all her pain in a heartbeat if only you could...Keep holding and drwing nigh to God and he will draw nigh to you!! Sister Lora Ledlow

  2. I cannot tell you what your honesty through all of this has meant to my own heart. I cannot relate directly, but I can relate in the sense of severe illness trauma and how that can affect everything. I am praying for all of you, and I marvel at a God who uses anything and everything to show others who He is.