It ended up being a pretty fun and laid back day for Esther and I. We unpacked and I put her stroller and kitchen set together. She had one of her favorite nurses, Ms. Rebecca, who was very helpful in getting us settled and answering questions. It must have already felt like Christmas to Esther, who got to play with a new little kitchen, stroller, and kids table while also receiving a few gifts through the hospital!
|Esther playing with her new kitchen, stroller, and kids table while getting an anti-fungal medicine as the day winds down.|
As we drove down today, I reflected on what we were about to do and about the past week or so. We are entering a very dangerous phase. She is about to be very vulnerable to whatever is in her system and to whatever she has been exposed to in the past few weeks. This is treatment is brutal. There's a reason she'll get her own stem cells as a rescue in a week after the chemo is done.
I also reflected on how I don't feel close to God right now. I haven't pursued him much. I have forgotten about him and ignored him at times. Over the past week I have been fighting my allergies a bit with some throat irritation and even a cough yesterday. I've prayed but have been frustrated with the timing of the throat irritation and, in this stage, your paranoid mind only asks if you're getting sick. The past weeks have practically felt like one long obssession with avoiding illness.
But as we drove today, I had no cough, no throat irritation. My allergies have felt great all day.
There are no coincidences.
God is engaged and fighting for our good and his glory. In all the craziness of the past month, we have had no illness in our home, a home of 5 kids. Esther's health couldn't be better heading into this treatment. My allergies cleared up almost on cue and it really spoke to my heart - God is over all and has it all in his hands. I also felt grieved because I feel like I've been quicker to frustration and trying to take control instead of quicker to turn to him.
I am thankful that he is faithful when we are not, that he has plans years and years in advance for our good. I am thankful that God is beyond methods and our measures and that his plans cannot be thwarted.
It's such a powerful picture. The lights are there. Don't forget about them. God gives glimpses, lights, little things that remind us he will never leave us nor forsake us. I don't want to miss them, especially as things ramp up in intensity. Tomorrow starts 4 days of continuous chemotherapy infusions.
Do not be deceived, my beloved brothers. Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change. (James 1:16-17)