Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Certainty in an Uncertain Tomorrow

I imagined a night like this. Even in the hot days of June when Esther was diagnosed, I knew at some point I'd be sitting by a cold window watching the ground beneath fade behind a blanket of cool white. It felt so far away, yet the day is here. The snow is beautiful from seven floors up. God was kind to give us a room that does not have the 7th floor frosted glass and I can sit here and just admire.

Esther's belly pain has been increasing and had a CT scan today to get a better look. They have been concerned with a particular problem when a patient is neutropenic and their own healthy gut bacteria escapes the intestines and tries to grow between the intestines and intestinal lining. The CT scan could neither rule our or confirm this diagnosis. It is very dangerous so the best option is to treat Esther as if she has this particular inflammation.

I am thankful for early detection, that makes a huge difference. It creates an unexpected and indeterminate bump in treatment. As soon as the radiologist called the doctors moved into quick action. They don't really know what causes this inflammation and the best treatment is heavy duty antibiotics and to make the gut rest. The oncologist on the floor this week has been great. She sat me down, explained the seriousness of the inflammation, that this is an infection that her own body will have to ultimately fight, and she won't get better until her counts come back up.

This means Esther will not eat or drink anything until her counts return. She'll be getting IV nutrition and calories until her counts recover. At that point she can begin to try to eat but if there is any gut pain she'll have to stop.

Two of our nurses came by tonight to say hi. I've wondered if the staff here is just trained to tell every patient how cute and precious they are. As Esther was sleeping tonight with her little hands tucked under her cheek I decided she is exceptionally adorable and they all really do like her.

My sister, Robin, wrote this morning, "Casey reminded me this morning that our prayers to the Great Physican are what will bring healing and that modern medicine is the supplementary. Too often we switch them around and count on the modern medicine as the primary source of healing, and the prayer as the supplementary. God is the Healer, and medicine is the aid. And your prayers for healing go beyond the physical body of sweet Esther, God hears them and applies them to this families individual spirits. So thank you, for praying."

This is so true. God is the one who will heal Esther, who will heal any of us. She also sent me a comment someone left on Emily's blog about Thomas, "I'll pray for Thomas and his family--that the Lord's sovereign and kind mercy will be with them all these terrible days. He does not need persuading; He is good and is not a liar."

The sovereignty of God brings so much comfort. He is kind and merciful and not a liar. God is who He says He is! All of His ways are good, even those which brings pain and confusion. God is love, comfort, healer, counselor, Prince of Peace, Savoir, friend, Father, strength, understanding, creator. He has brought this journey to our lives and knows the days ahead. I can rest next to the unfrosted window and know that while tomorrow brings uncertainty, He is certain forever.





  1. He is good, so good. That comment entails so much truth and peace in the heart abiding knowledge of His unceasing goodness. How is it the awareness grows as the suffering increases? Prayers surrounding you in the watches of the night.

  2. Sorry sweet Esther is facing yet another battle. I'm so thankful you know the certainty of our Savior in this uncertain world. We'll continue to pray to the Great Physician for swift and full healing for Esther.